over exposed

new journal

2007-08-13T10:15:00.000-07:00

2007-07-19T12:24:00.000-07:00

$5190.00

lol wut?

Not waiting on my world to change by itself

2007-07-19T09:33:00.000-07:00

I'm blissful in expectations.

I get wishful so easily. It's been a weakness. And yet, I do it again.

So, what now? I am different now. I am not fueled by the support of a significant other, because there is not a trustful supply of significance and presence from anyone.

But the right words at the right time, from the right person, can still melt me and get me this silly smile stuck all week.

Just a little few words.

On other fields, things are coming out fine. I'm happy with my job, I like where I live. I feel quite free and looks like the effort has been worth.

Topping my list of To-do things I have:
-Spending some time with the person who is making me smile. You know, nothing big, maybe dinner, or coffee. It's been some months, I guess we have stuff to catch up with.
-Getting the A/C of my car working again. Having some electrical issues... But it looks totally sweet:

now, this is a curious feeling

2007-07-13T07:19:00.000-07:00

Woke up, unwrapped from my gray sheets, yawned and jumped off the bed.

I read a sms. bliss. Sure I'll smile like this all day. Funny how someone, with a few words can change it all, change the colors inside my head.

I don't care how messy job gets today, I don't care about this stubborn teammate that gets offensive just because my job is to give her orders and she is older than me.

I don't care I have to face bureaucracy instead of lunch, changing a water and light contract and asking for a phone and adsl line. And if job seems easy enough to make itself without me, go to two banks.

I don't care. I'm feeling good. I normally feel good, but this is different. I can't explain.

[Insert title here]

2007-06-29T21:01:00.000-07:00

Second time in a week that my wishful thinking and naive plan goes wrong. I forgot [insert name]'s ways. I forgot how she killed all poetry in me and turned me into a machine so many years ago.

And I killed the machine, and I became a shadow in a sunless sky: shapeless, in motion but no one could tell, a maelstrom of voids, no one can tell but me how much I'm moving.

But she came along again. She asked me out. Her boyfriend doesn't talk our language, she says. she rarely passed a week without writing all these years. She has been bent and broken, she has bought all the wrong solutions, and I was always there, to distract her from her mess, to whisper with my sandpaper toneless voice things no one else understands. Or sitting in silence, being a shadow in motion together.

I'm not going to be nobody's fool. I have looked like one this week.

Mr. Hume (ex-boss/ex-roommate) is a wise man, he says the only way not to get bitten is being the biggest rat in the sewer. I agree, no one is safer from evil except the one who seems more evil. If you don't seem to care, no one will disrupt your plans.

Me, I'm slightly wise sometimes [inserted false modesty back there], and I will quote myself from the machine-phase: no one cares about me enough to protect me from herself.

"Because I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all"
-Three Days Gace, Pain

I disagree... Feeling nothing ain't so bad for a year or three.

So, the femme fatale won't make prey of me, if her 5 centimeters taller than me and her amused but cold stare won't be at my reach, if her riddles or her silence won't puzzle me tonight, well, she misses it. I have chocolate, vodka, rain on my roof and poker online and I love nights like this. Let's see what happens when she finds out I don't mind she has left me hanging twice. Let's see what happens with an empty mailbox and |_P an empty care cup. Or did she think this is 1997 all over again? Ha.

[Yeah, I know that I do care, or I wouldn't have written this, but she doesn't read this, so I win]

Listening to: Buckcherry - Everything

the death of cool people I know is banned from now on

2007-05-29T12:38:00.000-07:00

Monday morning, I call to see how are the upgrades to my car going, and the fix of the AC.

I'll try to seem busy and exasperated so they hurry up a bit.

Only one ring and an answer... weird, it takes until the 7th ring of the 3rd call to get from under the car, wash hands and answer...

And a voice I know but didn't expect answers: the watchman.

-'Sir, we're closed today. The workshop will not open today nor tomorrow'

-'What do you mean? It's monday!! Where's Geovanny?

-'Everyone is at the cemetary, Mr. Geovanny passed away yesterday in a traffic accident, sir'

-'WTF'

It's weird to make a call, ask for someone and to get such reply.

There goes one of the few other Mercedes enthusiasts I know. A guy who actually lived from his favorite cars. And likely died on his favorite car.

Well, our favorite car of my possession is torn like a puzzle in his closed workshop. Hope his apprentices can handle tomorrow when they open.

He might have just been my mechanic. But sure he was a nice dude. People that I like don't die often. And it's the first tragical and seemingly premature death of someone I like. Before that, only my parents' grandparents and one grandfather, but in their cases seemed natural and peaceful.

Update: Just found the news about it. I didn't have any details. It was painful and slow. It's disturbing. I've shaken that hand. I've sat in the passenger seat of that car. I have got many ideas from that car to upgrade mine. Mutilation in front of people who loves you and bleeding to death for some hours; really not the way you want to go. Gives me the heebie-jeebies.

The cult of personality

2007-05-22T11:14:00.000-07:00

A coworker, of the same hierarchy level in the company as me, just told me something I liked on IM:

I know why you like to hang out alone,
that way you look at the rest of us
the people
without being seen as one of us
and plotting strategies.
You have something
I don't know what
that makes you look
superior;
I haven't determined what it is.
You have to exploit that characteristic.

Then you wonder why I'm cocky...

(I'm done of flexing my ego muscles in front of you, you can leave).

Dread and the fugitive mind

2007-05-01T12:11:00.000-07:00

I'm a piece of another puzzle.

But I have felt human touch. Wishing to heal a wounded soul, wishing to sit and have fun, watching tv, playing with cats, I had many good times.

But I have felt human touch. Maybe in need to feed sporadic hungers. Hungers like cold, lovelessness, even boredom I admit.

My intentions are never wicked. My goals will not make anyone cry. At least if it all works as intended.

But I'm a piece of another puzzle. And I won't make anyone happy for long. No one will understand why I disappear, no one will understand what I'm talk about. Only one person.

Only one wicked person, this woman I met when we were both almost kids. Only one.

And Gloria is sad, and I wish to comfort her. But will it last? Will she appreciate what I give? Won't she feel I mistreat her with my coldness? Or is it better to let her heal herself? I have been proven a major failure as a spirit healer.

Is she too a piece of this worldly puzzle of average goals such as marriage and kids? homes and cars? Is she as normal as all the men that held her? Is she as normal as the man that holds her?

I don't think she is. I know she thinks she is not.

What do this means? I don't know

i went away, i can only go beyond

2007-03-28T11:22:00.000-07:00

well, I'm in this town for a week.

this town with old red brickhouses. and huge business centers. this town of decent weather and quietness.

i like this town. more than i thought i would.

when i landed, the first thing i saw in this country was a plane departing to lisbon taking off.

and my thoughts pointed further beyond. i'm bigger than my body, therefore i'm beyond its location too.

wouldn't it be nice to sit by the duoro? wouldn't it still be heaven, even if the links are broken, to stumble into this world that i craved so hard for?

i never been closer than this to my ideal kind of life. never been closer to canada, portugal, norway.

update

2007-03-21T05:43:00.000-07:00

She's still around. but still tastes like an affair. Still feels like I'll hardly make it through the week. But I struggle. Mr. Charming can seem viable to someone who considers him impossible. It's just that she never met someone like me. Since she still keeps me secret I'll come up with a fake name. Let's call her Julia.

I'm living at a friend's apartment. Sleeping in a sleeping bag on the floor, hand washing my clothes. It's not bad at all.

Gloria sounds sad.

I'm off to a business trip next week.

Maricela is not answering emails. Gonna have to call her next week.

The benz is in good shape. photos soon. while I'm in a huge city I still don't know next week, the 'silver bullet' will be getting some performance upgrades.

I play world of warcraft less often, but I'm good as hell owning most of the other players, I even disregard all other activities in the game.

I haven't seen my cats in about a week and I really feel lonely because of that.

I'm considering to buy a house. It's a good investment even if I leave the country.

great success

2007-02-14T07:50:00.000-08:00

She builds her secrets on my skin, she stares with the deepest eyes down to me.

I build my smiles with my lips on her skin, her skin that seemed light years away an hour ago...

I'm her secret, I love the thought of giving her adrenaline rushes when she bites me like some formidable dark forbidden fruit.

And she's so high above me but she makes me feel I'm tall enough for her, she makes me feel I'm a titan.

But she makes me feel small inside, when her kiss stumbles making the floor of my heart tremble like a mighty stampede.

I used to think I knew every way of kissing, I used to think I knew every sugar rush-ish feeling when you get someone caught staring at you. She is different, she is bolder, I feel a kid next to her, not only in age (which is true) but in experience and grasp of reality.

I'm her secret, it's a pity but I understand why should I stay in the dark. I love the transgression and the danger anyway. I'm her secret, so she has to be my secret too, weird to keep secret one of my proudest achievements; I can only bask in my awesomeness in silence.

spanish is no good for obscure literacy.

2007-02-09T08:13:00.000-08:00

soy el fantasma de mi poeta muerto,
me levanto, más allá de cada hueso
me arrastro por esos rincones tibios
escribo palabras sin peso.

soy el fantasma de algún tonto,
atravieso tus paredes si quiero,
no me atrapan tus telarañas,
En tu noche más fría te espero.

soy un fantasma sin piel
no quedan restos sagrados
después de tus ojos perdidos
después del frío en tus manos.

alf, as seen by an old acquittance but new friend

2007-02-06T13:18:00.000-08:00

she said, in the middle of an IM conversation:

You're raw and serious
but lovely
in the extremes
repugnant
totally strategic
straight to the point
calculative
haha
hahaha
and that's very good.

I'm still wondering what she meant with lovely
<.<

¬.¬

>.>

^_^

even steel gets softer with enough heat.

2007-02-01T07:15:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it gets lonely here, in my shadow labyrinths.

Sometimes I feel those hungers the rest of the animals have to feed.

Sometimes I stare blankly to a woman who stares back. Sometimes I sit next to a slim executive woman with naughty eyes who won't stop talking. Sometimes with an asian girl with an antipodal soul and an ocean of asynchronous attempts to get closer from both.

It happens.

Once in a while.

I just hold on tight until I feel back to robotness and calculation.

can't take the heat? stop jumping through the fire hoop!

2007-01-30T05:54:00.000-08:00

If you were mid-class; and a genius, the devil or some other kind of businessman would pop up and ask you: 'do you want to be a millionaire? the only condition is that your money will be illegal, if anyone finds out, you'll lose it all, what do you say?'

I certainly wouldn't take it. I mean, I wouldn't give up my peace, it would be too stressing to hide millions, I could not enjoy them freely. It really makes no sense.

The same applies to everything a human can have (and can have by illegitimated means): partners, children, job benefits, etc.

So, why some men want more than one woman in their lives (in a monogamous culture, that is)? Risk the chance of being well with one of them. Risk the respect and love of people that might want to spend their lives with you. Too selfish, it's like trying to get away with murder, and murdering extremely slowly.

I certainly wouldn't take it. I wouldn't cheat on a wife or even a girlfriend. The stress of hiding the clues, it just wouldn't be worth, I'd rather choose someone who can fill all my needs to start with.

That's why it has made me sick when people I loved had come into suspicion. Maybe I made things that seemed strange, but still, the fact that someone doesn't appreciate my dedication and time is enough to lose my will to continue providing.

Stupid sick world, I get treated like a thief more times and more ways than I should. Then you wonder why I'm pissed. I'm not a saint, but I'm not like most of the world either.

This post wasn't about me, but wtf, I made my point from the first four paragraphs, don't read the rest.

excuse me if I don't reply

2007-01-19T08:04:00.000-08:00

...it's just that I'm too busy smiling.

the taste of times

2007-01-18T07:16:00.000-08:00

each stage of my life has flown with different stimulations to my senses.

people is also associated with the taste, look and feel of the time and place we shared.

the feel of sand on my feet and salty wind at night, reminds me of someone.

supreme fiesta fries in taco bell in san pedro remind me of someone else.

hotel bars in warm summer afternoons remind me of someone else.

there were times of gingerbread cookies.

and times when the world was yellow and dry.

air conditioning and elevators and donuts.

my first time eating sushi tagged a whole season.

being a newbie at bowling and a cat without a face tagged another season.

i feel i'm not being able to explain it. it's hard to describe when something comes through all your senses, and fades into another season and feelings mix.

but what about now?

what is the taste? what is the color? who is the person?

i don't feel daniella's colors and parfumes, i'm not feeling these are the times for that.

gloria? gloria brings a sense of forbiddingness, but no thrilling transgression, just feels out of place, we both seem to be hiding from each other now.

I have no one now. just me, just my colors: shades of gray, black and white. nothing to associate with the time. nothing new. maybe drinking lime coke in a parking lot. putting my puff couch on the garage roof and watching falling stars, drinking vodka at 3 am.

music? well, evergrey, the birthday massacre, flyleaf, malice mizer, siouxsie and the banshees and the ataris.

yes, that music will remind me of now. but what else? something is missing.

I need a big comeback, or something new. I need someone to laugh with, someone to be on parking lots with. someone to sit and watch the city from my secret new spot. someone who will slap me when I start thinking stupid things, a friend, the scent of a girl sitting next to me at any cafe. The easy challenge of making someone laugh.

I can do without, it's not that I'm that weak, I just crave for tastes, smells and sounds.

It'd be nice, just for a while, a couple times a month.

i cant help but feel that something has been lost

2007-01-17T13:25:00.000-08:00

He's homesick, in the place that's supposed to be home.

He waits with stretched arms, for a very unlikely return.

The world makes him look like a saint, he sees himself as a monster.

He promised himself to leave, but he promised to her without words he'd wait, open arms to someone who put him behind anyone else. Right now he's waiting, while he gets ready to leave.

He is aware of all these things I say. I tell you, he's a saint. Or is he a monster?

Lately he doesn't know if the reason he feels like laying on the grass on cold night and cry is due to happiness or something else. Hopelessness: the boys of summer aren't gone.

He's happy, he feels strong, he gets away with everything he wants. Except with this. He wears this old scar like a souvenir, like a medal, so proud. One defeat he still won't swallow, one reward he still won't let go. Even if he already missed years of it. It's the price he knows he has to pay. A price for a chance. A price he pays without knowing if he will ever succeed.

Have you noticed how things tend to take longer when you're waiting for them? Waiting is always worse after the first time you wonder: 'are we there yet?'

Have you noticed how beautiful are all the things that we can't reach?

But he's holding on. He will hold on. He is here for her.

He knows it's not the end.

i got chicken. on honey sauce.

2007-01-17T07:22:00.000-08:00

Well, i guess that jumping irresponsibly into the unknown sometimes pays off.

It was who I expected. and I had a great time.

If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, read the previous post.

surprises

2007-01-12T12:45:00.000-08:00

I got a message on my phone:

?: "alf, is this your number?"

alf: "yes."

?: "can I call you tonight?"

alf: "yes."

?: "and go out? can we meet tonight?"

alf: "yes. after 6. where?"

I could ask "who are you?", but no. And none of my phone contacts has that number. It's a bit frightening, but a nice thrill. Some of the possible persons could be someone I don't ever want to meet again. A safe bet could be that Gloria lost her phone or switched numbers again. Or could it be ... omg... no.

I have a few ideas, but I'm really drowning in uncertainty.

Now I'll make sure we meet somewhere with easy ways out or that I could survey from a safe distance.

I'm rusty on some human-human interactions.

Like good 'ol Leeroy would say: Let's do this!

Well, I might get chicken too.

you fool

2007-01-09T16:06:00.000-08:00

look at me, because I won't look at you
as I pass by your half shut curtains;
sink your teeth in my tinted clothes,
in a silly attempt to make me human:
touch me.

hate me, because I won't love you;
when fateful wings grow on me
sink your nails in my filthy hands,
your foolish attempt to keep me
and heal me.

Listening to: Ambulette - Fail

to wish impossible things

2007-01-09T08:52:00.000-08:00

I have only this life, as far as I'm informed. And I've already spent an important chunk of it.

I have passed through many crossroads, bridges off or in the highways, forks, shortcuts. And I've driven myself erratically through it all.

I could be in many different places. Different arms could hold me, different eyes could stare back at me when different skins would make me shiver. Seasons that could have lasted much longer. So many choices. All of them done. All those cold discards I do maybe too lightly all of the time. All the precious baggage I drop away to travel lightly.

Sometimes I wish I could have a life to spend with someone I left behind. I would selfishly take 10 lives and live 10 different ways. Different partners, different places. Try and endure all the things I've quited.

But I only have this life. And I'm spending it with me by now. I'm sure of the choices I'm making, the roads I'm taking, even though I have no idea of where I'm leading to.

it was the sweetness of your skin
it was the hope of all we might have been
that fills me with the hope to wish
impossible things.

The Cure - To Wish Impossible Things.

Listening to: Flyleaf - Amy Says & The Cure - From The Edge of the Deep Green Sea.

Skinny

2006-12-26T07:01:00.000-08:00

I reached and passed my goal: My weight is 69 kg. (like 150 lbs.) I had promised myself to reach 70 kg. at the end of the year. 13kg. are gone (God, I was such a pig).

Now, how about 65kg in march? I don't know. I was ok in 70kg for 3 years before starting eating crap in San José downtown on my previous job. Now I think I look good again. btw, I need a camera. I am a very narcissist person.

Wanna know my diet? Vodka instead of beer, one fruit a day. Out of that, all the same crappy food but in a slightly smaller amount. Cold pizza for breakfast with diet coke. Buffalo wings from Rock n' Roll Pollo or tacos dinner. Chinese food for lunch. Anything. Stopping when I start feeling satisfied.

Since I got to 71kg. decrease has been slower, but there's still a difference from one week to the next.

in my coldest hour

2006-12-26T05:59:00.000-08:00

I am burning bridges after i cross them.

I am wandering to places the people that loves me can't follow.

I can see them, I can touch them, but I don't feel them.

I am growing tired. People takes much and give much in exchange. But what they give has little use for me.

I need something different. The closest thing to love that I feel now is to one of those persons I've never been close to. Non Costa Ricans tend to link to me better, another signal telling me I don't belong here.

I sleep at my parents house because I want to save and not pay a rent. But they still think they have a kid. And they pass me all of their problems. The rent is getting expensive on the stress and stupid rules types of currency. I'm specially sick of my father.

I am going to see a few apartments near the office. What I'll save in gas will almost pay the rent. I will keep this job a year until my freelance projects start paying off. Then I'll have saved enough and have a constant income even if I go to a place I don't dislike this much, and struggle to get on my feet there.

That's the safe plan. I might get crazy any day, fill a suitcase, sell my car and leave. Get any job to get along. But at least I'll be in MY place. I'll be able to start thinking further in my future, buy furniture and things the I can't get here because it's a waste of money if I'll leave, I feel so out of place.

Where? Europe anywhere. Scandinavian countries, Holland, Portugal, Italy, Germany, England, even Spain. Language is one thing to consider, even if people tells me all of the time that with English and Spanish I'll be alright, specially as a Software Engineer/Web developer, everyone in the industry will understand me in English. Even in the company I work, English is a standard and everyone is able to pass and receive ideas at least. In a third world country.

I need to know migration policies, job permits and other stuff that has to be observed.

I never been this close to make the move. All links broken, bank account growing... I'm craving for movement.

no thanks, I already grew into a human being

2006-11-27T06:31:00.000-08:00

seems like everyone expects a love story to be like the end of this video. Everyone thinks one is not complete, and won't be complete and self sufficient or be able to find realization without a strictly romantic relationship.

I'm complete and I feel good about the things I achieve. Even if I could, and would probably enjoy love from the right person, I'm not waiting until it comes to grow into a full human being.

It's weird now, because it already happened to me twice, that a relationship doesn't work with an incomplete person because she expects me to be incomplete too.

Is it possible that I am the alien? how many fully functional aliens are out there?

why do I ask? If we exist, we don't need each other anyway.

new template

2006-11-23T10:42:00.000-08:00

so, I decided to do for a couple hours the same thing I do at the office every day, for me this time.

of course at the office we have graphic designers, and we're allowed to use Flash and images. we have a big company backing us and results are really cool (I made part of that site). I'll try to polish this blog a bit more over time.

maybe colors are not very friendly...

among crippled souls

2006-11-22T11:48:00.000-08:00

I can tell, I'm a bit superficial.

And I know, I never want to look at the big picture.

What is wrong with that?

I'm happy this way. Alone, seemingly invulnerable.

I'm a cynic, and I'm a teaser, I love living by a spotlight so the people notices me for the good or the bad reasons (doesn't matter a bit), but I have more and more trouble relating to people in every other possible way. The same way an actor is apart from his audience.

And I talk to the girl of the blue umbrella, and I find she's lost, and weak, and sad. Crippled.

And Daniella calls from Norway, and I find she's needy, possessive, angry but submissive. Crippled.

And I look to everyone, all of them have trouble. Angry girlfriends or boyfriends, financial screw-ups, bad professional performance. All diminished, crippled some way.

And I look at myself and I'm flawless. I missed someone a while ago, but I had enough reasons to be angry to suppress it. I felt unfit at job, and from nothing, I get a bonus and a raise, more responsibilities and a promotion on the way. Living in the spotlight is good in any profession. I didn't like my car, nor any car I could afford, so I'm just turning it into something I like.

But the bone of the matter, is that I'm saved of most of my trouble because I live lightly, because I crop the parts that aren't healthy. Because I'm not looking at the big picture and take one problem at a time. I'm making it all too simple.

And somewhere life became a martial art. And I have been learning not to expose my weak spots to the people around me, because no one cares about me enough to protect me from themselves. The cost? I'm losing connection with everyone.

Humanity is now good for a few things, money-food-goods exchange, and as audience. I have my exceptions, and numbers are getting smaller there too.

I will go see and airplane land, I will drive Daniella home after she went around the world. But I've no connection with her anymore, it was lost too long time ago.

I will go for a cup of coffee more often than I should with Gloria, but even our dormant but vicious link has it's cups counted.

Love? Family? I see those things ruin people's life every day. It's needed for the specie's persistence? Then I'll let the people who cares about that get their hands dirty with it.

the clock is ticking. kilometers are left behind. I'll be a million light years from here. I'll change into another life form. I'm not what you knew anymore.

Or the contrary: I'm more the way I usually am than ever before. I'm not what you knew anymore.

Whatever it is, I'm embracing the change. I'm becoming something terrible and I love it.

blog mess

2006-11-20T12:31:00.000-08:00

these week I'm changing the template, and I already messed it up... patience please.

the soundtrack of my life

2006-11-16T09:06:00.000-08:00

I'm having a writer's block since 2000, sorry. I just saw bernie's post and I started wondering what would I put in a soundtrack about me.

This is the wicked outcome:

CD 1 - What you see

1. Halloween - Siouxsie and the Banshees

I heard this song just a couple months ago. But it was that old feeling: 'Where have you been all of my life?'. Goth, new wave, rock, pop. No posse, I love it. Everyday should be Halloween I used to say. "I wear my silence like a mask (...) The bitter and the sweet". I rarely feel so related, not just the lyrics, but the mood. Lyrics. Video.

2. Starman - David Bowie

Ziggy Stardust coming to the world. I try to be a starman everyday, and I think I'd blow your mind.

3. Heads I Win, Tails You Lose - Ratt

Attitude. Not letting anyone outstand over me. One way or another.

4. Drop Dead Gorgeous - Republica

Before we get too philosophical, remember I'm a bit shallow sometimes, vain. I just love the light lyrics, Saffron's voice always takes my mind off whatever I'm doing. This song is to remind you I'm not your average black sheep.

5. Everything About You - Ugly Kid Joe

Yeah! I dislike everything at some point. I don't fully like any weather. Sex is overrated. Things suck but I don't feel bad about it. (I was a kid in the 90's, don't blame me!)

6. Falling In - Tapping The Vein

There's someone I've known for 9 years already. My oldest friend. She trapped me more than once. She lured me just to see if she could. She played with me for some time. Never let me close, never let me go either. And I had revenge. Now when we meet, both are so cautious, and she's still playful. I think I'm falling in? No, not at all. But I felt so a few years ago. Lyrics.

7. Walking On Broken Glass - Annie Lennox

A fun paced song with pain-related lyics. Almost as fascinating as Annie Lennox herself. (I have this weakness for mature creative women)

8. Halah - Mazzy Star

Someone took my hand in the last minute of some year, years ago. She left me too shortly after our start. I mean every word in this song to her, except that I'm not sure I ever got over it (she gave me an exception to 'Heads I Win, Tails You Lose')
Lyrics.

9. Boys Of Summer - The Ataris

Idem 8.

10. Follow Me (Part 1) - Angel Dust

This is a hopeful song. Like every beginning. This is the way I start to love. Every relationship I had is in this song. Lyrics.

------------------------------------

CD 2 - What You Get
1. Follow Me (Part 2) - Angel Dust

This is when all my wishful thinking proves wrong. The same notes than part one, but in anger and pain. Every relationship I had is in this song. Lyrics.

2. Deal With The Devil - Judas Priest

I just love metal. And I live like this. My mind wanders dark places. I feed from the rage of music. I lose focus and control. A drug. Lyrics.

3. Walking In My Shoes - Depeche Mode

But can you judge me? Can you say I'm wrong, when I'm like CD 2? What would you do if you were me?

4. Again - Tapping The Vein

And even though I stand tall, I'm shattering. Lyrics.

5. Abuse Me - Silverchair

I'm a fool, and I let you all convert me into this. I let you feed my anger. I show all my weak spots when I'm naive like CD 1.

5. alt.end - The Cure

Someone held me for 13 months. Someone who gave me more than I could handle, good and bad. We didn't go full circle. It was no natural end. But I wanted it to be the end. Some time later, this is what I feel. Lyrics.

6. Disappear - Marilyn Manson

It's what I do. One of my personal anthems.

7. Bullet With Butterfly Wings - Smashing Pumpkins

My main anthem. I fight, and I'm still here. I want to go, and I feel I'm caged. But I'm getting stronger.

8. Hurt - Johnny Cash

You knew this was coming. This is how I'll likely feel at the end of my life. And everyone leaves me. The painful lyrics, an even more painful interpretation. And the video that fits perfectly. The man standing at the end of his life.

9. Un Millón de Años Luz - Soda Stereo

Don't come back. I'll be a million light years away from home. All the anger and pain, I'll leave all this behind. Don't expect to hurt me and come back later. A song for every break up. And the hope and freedom that comes after.

------------------------

What do you think?

the best blog post ever

2006-11-01T13:44:00.000-08:00

I should be working but this can't wait.

I was at John Mayer's blog, hearing 'I Don't Trust Myself' for the 1400th time and I stumbled into the most revealing thing I've seen in a personal blog before.

Whoever designed and implemented John Mayer's blog was too cheap to add a permlink, so I will have to deal with the shame of pressing Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V so you can read it.

So, here it is:

I've been thinking about something lately.

Imagine this:

You're on an airplane, sleeping with your head against the window, your heart set on being home this time three hours from now. All of a sudden, something goes very wrong. The plane stops moving across the air and instead starts falling through it. The lights are flickering and the movie is skipping. The plane dips hundreds of feet in seconds, and the yellow cups fall from the ceiling. They're a brighter shade of yellow than you remember, because unlike the demonstration, these cups have never been handled before. "Flight attendants take your seats now", you hear, the pilot's voice trembling over a cacophony of alert tones. You get that smell in the bridge of your nose like you've just been hit with a football. That's what the fear smells like. The plane is going down.

Four more drastic drops in under a minute. People are crying. For all the folklore about how your life flashes before your eyes, you're remarkably fixed on one vision - your parents. They're sleeping at this very moment, in a bedroom so quiet they can hear the clock in the kitchen. And you can see them, clear as can be. You wish you could see a playground or a first kiss, but all you can see is your parents sleeping. Huh. Well, that's that.

Several long minutes go by. Then, all at once, the lights come back on and the plane somehow rights itself. Some people cheer, but most people cry harder. The plane lands about an hour later, and as soon as you feel that touch down - hell, even when you were within 50 feet of the ground and could still technically survive a fall - you realize that however you brokered the deal between you and God worked; you've just been granted life in overtime.

Here's the question: what do you change? Whom do you call that you haven't spoken to in years? Whom do you realize has been toxic to your heart and drop with surprising ease? What trips do you cancel, and what trips do you book? What can't you be bothered with anymore? What's the new you like?

Think about that, and then ask one more question. Why not just change it all right now?

(Working on it...)

(I'm working on it too..)

Thanks John, thanks.

heartbreak station

2006-11-01T06:14:00.000-08:00

The last time I had a relationship it ended up like sudden death. One phone call, and it was like a marshmallow that was left too close to the flame, a second away from yummyness and it's already like chewing melt plastic.

The day before, I thought -Wild, wild horses couldn't drag me away.

But she delivered something stronger than wild horses: her explicit desire to break up.

It was the same old spoiled woman story, I gave what I could inside my possibilities (and I admit it might not be enough). So, if I can't do as she says she would just talk about breaking up. She did it everytime she didn't feel in control, she never figured out how it felt, specially after such beautiful times we had before, she never figured out she was making me feel worthless: all my effort and for one flaw she was tired of me.

So I played along. Hung up the phone, didn't answer it the following days.

She repented like I knew she would. But what would I go back for? To have her hurting me over at my first mistake or impossibility to please her. No freaking way.

On that phone call she took the last train out of my heart.

Then I closed the station.

She came looking for me and I gave her what she gave to me: I made her feel unwanted, I left her alone and cold (I'm not that heartless, I asked someone to make sure she would be safe at home and to do all the damage control he could). Still, she knew how I felt the weekend before.

And I miss the fun, and I miss Boris, and I have memories everywhere I look: my desk at work, my car, my clothes, my room, my body.

But it wasn't worth the pain. The intentionally inflicted pain. That's not how I intend to spend my life, thanks. I forgave it before, I tried to see though it.

And ever since, things are simpler. I take myself out for dinner, I buy me gifts. Because most people forgets, that one is the main character in one's life. It's not about being selfish, what I mean is that I must not let other people hold me down, that there are more trascendental things than being on time for a date, than taking care that someone is always happy, specially when that someone will treat you like crap because you had stuff to do at home and couldn't spend the day at hers.

She is missing out so much because of one day. She's missing the rest of a life together. How could she forget that?

Me, I don't feel bad about it, it was all her making. I just defended myself ever after, and I don't need no train arriving.

I should have learned by now that love is an emotionally expensive thing, and I can't afford it after some time.

I also should have learned by now that I'm a nice and fun guy, and I don't need someone around all of the time to feel whole and happy.

I have things that get me through it all. Lighttowers to look at when I have a storm inside: I restarted this blog because Mel still was linking to it. Maybe it was just because she didn't update it, but I felt like there was a space waiting for me. The unconditional mails from Gloria. Maricela, Hazel, Ana (even if she disappears in an alfish way), Enzo, Fobia, even the little Bastard. The people who is here even if I miss a birthday, even if I disappear; the people who is always happy to see me. This is MY people (and cats), everyone else seems seasonal but you. The people who manages to read these boring and massive posts, thank you.

so true

2006-10-24T15:23:00.000-07:00

so tragic
..so what?

I really don't

2006-10-19T15:05:00.000-07:00

"I Don't Trust Myself (With Loving You)"

No i'm not the man i used to be lately
See you met me at an interesting time
If my past is any sign of your future
You should be warned before i let you inside

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you

I will beg my way into your garden
I will break my way out when it rains
Just to get back to the place where i started
So i can watch you back all over again

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you

Who do you love?
Who do you love?
Who do you love me or the thought of me? me or the thought of me?

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever gets you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you
I don't trust myself with loving you
I don't trust myself with loving you
I don't trust myself with loving you

-John Mayer

go here and hear it (the third one). Few songs say so much about me. Even though now it's way too late for warnings, now everything is broken.

my losing streak

2006-10-17T09:25:00.000-07:00

I don't know why, but life is too much like poker (but not the opposite) .

and I've had a losing streak lately. I'm officially on emotional bankruptcy right now. I made some wrong decisions, I miscaculated my chances and I failed to read the other people around the table.

And I'm sitting here after losing almost all my chips. And I'll be a bit battered down for a while. I'll just keep folding for a while, thanks. I don't even need to see the hand. Bad decisions are worse than no decisions at all.

I'm holding on. I'm trying to think on the things that get me through.

Like the fact that in real poker my account now is twice as fat than 2 days ago. (I play $25 a month and now I have $50, after playing 2 tables).

open letter to everyone in the last 10 years

2006-10-10T07:19:00.000-07:00

What did I do in your life? What was I good for? Why do you seem to need me now more than I needed you?

I can't tell ya baby what went wrong
I can't make you feel what you felt so long ago
I'll let it show
I can't give you back what's been hurt
Heartaches come and go and all that's left are the words
I can't let go

I don't need you to make me feel useless, to make me feel dirty, to make me feel that I should praise you for bearing me.

I didn't need a heartache as soon as I recover from the previous one. I don't need you to take me higher and drop me down. And certainly you don't need the same from me.

I didn't need a little girl telling me I patronize her, or a tall woman in high school setting me traps.

I didn't need to deal with brainless dogs drooling on my shoes or trying to lick my face.

I didn't need a second family and all their problems.

I didn't need your impulsiveness.

I'll be ok on my own. And you'd be better with someone else, believe me: you seemed unhappy way too much of the time you were with me. It's feeble minded from you to want to keep living in that grind I put you through. I can make you smile, I know, sometimes, but when I disappear (and that's part of my nature), I don't need you to make me feel like a monster for being the way I am. It's too complicated for me to change some things.

Let's not think it over much. Some space between me and the world isn't really that bad.

other alfish quote.

2006-09-22T15:01:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
- Tommy Cooper

alfish quote of the day

2006-09-01T07:29:00.000-07:00

"We're not lost. We're locationally challenged."
- John M. Ford

because reading is less troublesome than writing

2006-08-31T07:22:00.000-07:00

I don't have much time lately, I only have kept track on two blogs lately.

John Mayer
I discovered it a couple weeks ago. I really like his music, the new single is very different of everything he did before, every album has been completely different and I really appreciate that.

His blog talks about the lifestyle I always took for granted when I was younger and used to play guitar 8 hours a day and write silly poems. No big rockstar gimmicks, just a guy playing around.

Scott Adams
The philosopher of the cubicle-dwelling creatures. I like Dilbert a lot, and I'm a member of the DNRC.

I think the Scott is a smart and cool guy, but sometimes the rants and discussions become annoying. I just skip to the next post.

The player randomized me with: Jack Off Jill - When I Am Queen / Drain STH - I Will Follow / Mazzy Star - Disappear, during the writing of this post.

semi charmed kind of life

2006-08-24T09:56:00.000-07:00

things are changing.

i never achieved as much as I have lately. on many aspects.

i rarely screwed it up more than lately too. neglecting everything that matters, including me. falling asleep behind the wheel. working up to 16 hours a day, building up a resume that will cause envy in this country and put me on the level of anywhere else I'd like to work, at a personal cost that will leave not much to ever enjoy my future achievements.

i'm tired. i feel old. i have the feeling i'm sabotaging myself, that i have to be cautious with this bastard that always been in a fancy blend with the pragmatic over-achiever. i can't even tell between the layers within me.

you can tell i'm not right when i go back to typing without capitals.

i don't feel at home anywhere now. no arms can shelter me because i don't really want to. it's just me, in an almost unreal loneliness i feel, even in a kiss, just me in this first-person game that is set to a level i have trouble keeping up with.

even though i make it look like i'm winning. and maybe i'm winning. it's just that i'm hungry for more.

so, on with the show. work is my drug. my niche is in front of a screen. like an oompa-loompa in a chocolate factory.

----

i've changed. so, you, who are reading this, might get a phone call one of these days, you who might sit with me looking over the valley from escazú mountains, you might be my key to a different life. i just ask you for patience, you know me, you know my pace when it comes to opening a heart's door outside a blog.

don't be such a girl!

2006-07-26T10:14:00.000-07:00

Maybe after all I'm like Ocho.

I'll just disappear sometimes. I don't know why, if you give me food, if you pet me, if you say you'll be there for me.

Some undercover force will sway me off your track.

That's my nature. That's what I do.

And I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I can't offer you a normal life...

... a 'happily ever after'

... a hollywood ending

... just some seconds longer

... just some sweet words

I'm one of those cats that find it hard remaining domesticated. I'll jump over the fence and we don't know when we'll meet again.

over exposed

2006-07-26T09:50:00.000-07:00

I have seen ten roses bleed,
seen new petals fall,
I have felt my soul tear.
I have felt nothing at all.
Watched what was vibrant
fade as shadows fall.
I can see it's been done,
all that was pure has been eradicated.
I can see, it's all done.
Nothing can erase the damage done.
I have seen ten liars love,
seen two lovers lie,
seen youth, blinded, smiling.
I have seen deceit handed down.
From the highest height, below the lowly.
I can see it's been done,
all that was pure has been eradicated.
I can see, it's all done.
Nothing can erase the damage done.
I have seen beasts bathed in glory,
tread across the angels as they crawl.
Take it all away.
Regress to nothing.
Can someone please take
these images from my mind?

Over Exposure - AFI