:: so true ::

so tragic
..so what?

:: I really don't ::

"I Don't Trust Myself (With Loving You)"

No i'm not the man i used to be lately
See you met me at an interesting time
If my past is any sign of your future
You should be warned before i let you inside

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you

I will beg my way into your garden
I will break my way out when it rains
Just to get back to the place where i started
So i can watch you back all over again

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you

Who do you love?
Who do you love?
Who do you love me or the thought of me? me or the thought of me?

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever gets you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you
I don't trust myself with loving you
I don't trust myself with loving you
I don't trust myself with loving you

-John Mayer

go here and hear it (the third one). Few songs say so much about me. Even though now it's way too late for warnings, now everything is broken.

:: my losing streak ::

I don't know why, but life is too much like poker (but not the opposite) .

and I've had a losing streak lately. I'm officially on emotional bankruptcy right now. I made some wrong decisions, I miscaculated my chances and I failed to read the other people around the table.

And I'm sitting here after losing almost all my chips. And I'll be a bit battered down for a while. I'll just keep folding for a while, thanks. I don't even need to see the hand. Bad decisions are worse than no decisions at all.

I'm holding on. I'm trying to think on the things that get me through.

Like the fact that in real poker my account now is twice as fat than 2 days ago. (I play $25 a month and now I have $50, after playing 2 tables).

:: open letter to everyone in the last 10 years ::

What did I do in your life? What was I good for? Why do you seem to need me now more than I needed you?

I can't tell ya baby what went wrong
I can't make you feel what you felt so long ago
I'll let it show
I can't give you back what's been hurt
Heartaches come and go and all that's left are the words
I can't let go

I don't need you to make me feel useless, to make me feel dirty, to make me feel that I should praise you for bearing me.

I didn't need a heartache as soon as I recover from the previous one. I don't need you to take me higher and drop me down. And certainly you don't need the same from me.

I didn't need a little girl telling me I patronize her, or a tall woman in high school setting me traps.

I didn't need to deal with brainless dogs drooling on my shoes or trying to lick my face.

I didn't need a second family and all their problems.

I didn't need your impulsiveness.

I'll be ok on my own. And you'd be better with someone else, believe me: you seemed unhappy way too much of the time you were with me. It's feeble minded from you to want to keep living in that grind I put you through. I can make you smile, I know, sometimes, but when I disappear (and that's part of my nature), I don't need you to make me feel like a monster for being the way I am. It's too complicated for me to change some things.

Let's not think it over much. Some space between me and the world isn't really that bad.