:: no thanks, I already grew into a human being ::

seems like everyone expects a love story to be like the end of this video. Everyone thinks one is not complete, and won't be complete and self sufficient or be able to find realization without a strictly romantic relationship.

I'm complete and I feel good about the things I achieve. Even if I could, and would probably enjoy love from the right person, I'm not waiting until it comes to grow into a full human being.

It's weird now, because it already happened to me twice, that a relationship doesn't work with an incomplete person because she expects me to be incomplete too.

Is it possible that I am the alien? how many fully functional aliens are out there?

why do I ask? If we exist, we don't need each other anyway.

:: new template ::

so, I decided to do for a couple hours the same thing I do at the office every day, for me this time.

of course at the office we have graphic designers, and we're allowed to use Flash and images. we have a big company backing us and results are really cool (I made part of that site). I'll try to polish this blog a bit more over time.

maybe colors are not very friendly...

:: among crippled souls ::

I can tell, I'm a bit superficial.

And I know, I never want to look at the big picture.

What is wrong with that?

I'm happy this way. Alone, seemingly invulnerable.

I'm a cynic, and I'm a teaser, I love living by a spotlight so the people notices me for the good or the bad reasons (doesn't matter a bit), but I have more and more trouble relating to people in every other possible way. The same way an actor is apart from his audience.

And I talk to the girl of the blue umbrella, and I find she's lost, and weak, and sad. Crippled.

And Daniella calls from Norway, and I find she's needy, possessive, angry but submissive. Crippled.

And I look to everyone, all of them have trouble. Angry girlfriends or boyfriends, financial screw-ups, bad professional performance. All diminished, crippled some way.

And I look at myself and I'm flawless. I missed someone a while ago, but I had enough reasons to be angry to suppress it. I felt unfit at job, and from nothing, I get a bonus and a raise, more responsibilities and a promotion on the way. Living in the spotlight is good in any profession. I didn't like my car, nor any car I could afford, so I'm just turning it into something I like.

But the bone of the matter, is that I'm saved of most of my trouble because I live lightly, because I crop the parts that aren't healthy. Because I'm not looking at the big picture and take one problem at a time. I'm making it all too simple.

And somewhere life became a martial art. And I have been learning not to expose my weak spots to the people around me, because no one cares about me enough to protect me from themselves. The cost? I'm losing connection with everyone.

Humanity is now good for a few things, money-food-goods exchange, and as audience. I have my exceptions, and numbers are getting smaller there too.

I will go see and airplane land, I will drive Daniella home after she went around the world. But I've no connection with her anymore, it was lost too long time ago.

I will go for a cup of coffee more often than I should with Gloria, but even our dormant but vicious link has it's cups counted.

Love? Family? I see those things ruin people's life every day. It's needed for the specie's persistence? Then I'll let the people who cares about that get their hands dirty with it.

the clock is ticking. kilometers are left behind. I'll be a million light years from here. I'll change into another life form. I'm not what you knew anymore.

Or the contrary: I'm more the way I usually am than ever before. I'm not what you knew anymore.

Whatever it is, I'm embracing the change. I'm becoming something terrible and I love it.

:: blog mess ::

these week I'm changing the template, and I already messed it up... patience please.

:: the soundtrack of my life ::

I'm having a writer's block since 2000, sorry. I just saw bernie's post and I started wondering what would I put in a soundtrack about me.

This is the wicked outcome:

CD 1 - What you see

1. Halloween - Siouxsie and the Banshees

I heard this song just a couple months ago. But it was that old feeling: 'Where have you been all of my life?'. Goth, new wave, rock, pop. No posse, I love it. Everyday should be Halloween I used to say. "I wear my silence like a mask (...) The bitter and the sweet". I rarely feel so related, not just the lyrics, but the mood. Lyrics. Video.

2. Starman - David Bowie

Ziggy Stardust coming to the world. I try to be a starman everyday, and I think I'd blow your mind.

3. Heads I Win, Tails You Lose - Ratt

Attitude. Not letting anyone outstand over me. One way or another.

4. Drop Dead Gorgeous - Republica

Before we get too philosophical, remember I'm a bit shallow sometimes, vain. I just love the light lyrics, Saffron's voice always takes my mind off whatever I'm doing. This song is to remind you I'm not your average black sheep.

5. Everything About You - Ugly Kid Joe

Yeah! I dislike everything at some point. I don't fully like any weather. Sex is overrated. Things suck but I don't feel bad about it. (I was a kid in the 90's, don't blame me!)

6. Falling In - Tapping The Vein

There's someone I've known for 9 years already. My oldest friend. She trapped me more than once. She lured me just to see if she could. She played with me for some time. Never let me close, never let me go either. And I had revenge. Now when we meet, both are so cautious, and she's still playful. I think I'm falling in? No, not at all. But I felt so a few years ago. Lyrics.

7. Walking On Broken Glass - Annie Lennox

A fun paced song with pain-related lyics. Almost as fascinating as Annie Lennox herself. (I have this weakness for mature creative women)

8. Halah - Mazzy Star

Someone took my hand in the last minute of some year, years ago. She left me too shortly after our start. I mean every word in this song to her, except that I'm not sure I ever got over it (she gave me an exception to 'Heads I Win, Tails You Lose')
Lyrics.

9. Boys Of Summer - The Ataris

Idem 8.

10. Follow Me (Part 1) - Angel Dust

This is a hopeful song. Like every beginning. This is the way I start to love. Every relationship I had is in this song. Lyrics.

------------------------------------


CD 2 - What You Get
1. Follow Me (Part 2) - Angel Dust

This is when all my wishful thinking proves wrong. The same notes than part one, but in anger and pain. Every relationship I had is in this song. Lyrics.

2. Deal With The Devil - Judas Priest

I just love metal. And I live like this. My mind wanders dark places. I feed from the rage of music. I lose focus and control. A drug. Lyrics.

3. Walking In My Shoes - Depeche Mode

But can you judge me? Can you say I'm wrong, when I'm like CD 2? What would you do if you were me?

4. Again - Tapping The Vein

And even though I stand tall, I'm shattering. Lyrics.

5. Abuse Me - Silverchair

I'm a fool, and I let you all convert me into this. I let you feed my anger. I show all my weak spots when I'm naive like CD 1.

5. alt.end - The Cure

Someone held me for 13 months. Someone who gave me more than I could handle, good and bad. We didn't go full circle. It was no natural end. But I wanted it to be the end. Some time later, this is what I feel. Lyrics.

6. Disappear - Marilyn Manson

It's what I do. One of my personal anthems.

7. Bullet With Butterfly Wings - Smashing Pumpkins

My main anthem. I fight, and I'm still here. I want to go, and I feel I'm caged. But I'm getting stronger.

8. Hurt - Johnny Cash

You knew this was coming. This is how I'll likely feel at the end of my life. And everyone leaves me. The painful lyrics, an even more painful interpretation. And the video that fits perfectly. The man standing at the end of his life.

9. Un Millón de Años Luz - Soda Stereo

Don't come back. I'll be a million light years away from home. All the anger and pain, I'll leave all this behind. Don't expect to hurt me and come back later. A song for every break up. And the hope and freedom that comes after.


------------------------

What do you think?

:: the best blog post ever ::

I should be working but this can't wait.

I was at John Mayer's blog, hearing 'I Don't Trust Myself' for the 1400th time and I stumbled into the most revealing thing I've seen in a personal blog before.

Whoever designed and implemented John Mayer's blog was too cheap to add a permlink, so I will have to deal with the shame of pressing Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V so you can read it.

So, here it is:

I've been thinking about something lately.

Imagine this:

You're on an airplane, sleeping with your head against the window, your heart set on being home this time three hours from now. All of a sudden, something goes very wrong. The plane stops moving across the air and instead starts falling through it. The lights are flickering and the movie is skipping. The plane dips hundreds of feet in seconds, and the yellow cups fall from the ceiling. They're a brighter shade of yellow than you remember, because unlike the demonstration, these cups have never been handled before. "Flight attendants take your seats now", you hear, the pilot's voice trembling over a cacophony of alert tones. You get that smell in the bridge of your nose like you've just been hit with a football. That's what the fear smells like. The plane is going down.

Four more drastic drops in under a minute. People are crying. For all the folklore about how your life flashes before your eyes, you're remarkably fixed on one vision - your parents. They're sleeping at this very moment, in a bedroom so quiet they can hear the clock in the kitchen. And you can see them, clear as can be. You wish you could see a playground or a first kiss, but all you can see is your parents sleeping. Huh. Well, that's that.

Several long minutes go by. Then, all at once, the lights come back on and the plane somehow rights itself. Some people cheer, but most people cry harder. The plane lands about an hour later, and as soon as you feel that touch down - hell, even when you were within 50 feet of the ground and could still technically survive a fall - you realize that however you brokered the deal between you and God worked; you've just been granted life in overtime.

Here's the question: what do you change? Whom do you call that you haven't spoken to in years? Whom do you realize has been toxic to your heart and drop with surprising ease? What trips do you cancel, and what trips do you book? What can't you be bothered with anymore? What's the new you like?


Think about that, and then ask one more question. Why not just change it all right now?

(Working on it...)

(I'm working on it too..)

Thanks John, thanks.

:: heartbreak station ::

The last time I had a relationship it ended up like sudden death. One phone call, and it was like a marshmallow that was left too close to the flame, a second away from yummyness and it's already like chewing melt plastic.

The day before, I thought -Wild, wild horses couldn't drag me away.

But she delivered something stronger than wild horses: her explicit desire to break up.

It was the same old spoiled woman story, I gave what I could inside my possibilities (and I admit it might not be enough). So, if I can't do as she says she would just talk about breaking up. She did it everytime she didn't feel in control, she never figured out how it felt, specially after such beautiful times we had before, she never figured out she was making me feel worthless: all my effort and for one flaw she was tired of me.

So I played along. Hung up the phone, didn't answer it the following days.

She repented like I knew she would. But what would I go back for? To have her hurting me over at my first mistake or impossibility to please her. No freaking way.

On that phone call she took the last train out of my heart.

Then I closed the station.

She came looking for me and I gave her what she gave to me: I made her feel unwanted, I left her alone and cold (I'm not that heartless, I asked someone to make sure she would be safe at home and to do all the damage control he could). Still, she knew how I felt the weekend before.

And I miss the fun, and I miss Boris, and I have memories everywhere I look: my desk at work, my car, my clothes, my room, my body.

But it wasn't worth the pain. The intentionally inflicted pain. That's not how I intend to spend my life, thanks. I forgave it before, I tried to see though it.

And ever since, things are simpler. I take myself out for dinner, I buy me gifts. Because most people forgets, that one is the main character in one's life. It's not about being selfish, what I mean is that I must not let other people hold me down, that there are more trascendental things than being on time for a date, than taking care that someone is always happy, specially when that someone will treat you like crap because you had stuff to do at home and couldn't spend the day at hers.

She is missing out so much because of one day. She's missing the rest of a life together. How could she forget that?

Me, I don't feel bad about it, it was all her making. I just defended myself ever after, and I don't need no train arriving.

I should have learned by now that love is an emotionally expensive thing, and I can't afford it after some time.

I also should have learned by now that I'm a nice and fun guy, and I don't need someone around all of the time to feel whole and happy.

I have things that get me through it all. Lighttowers to look at when I have a storm inside: I restarted this blog because Mel still was linking to it. Maybe it was just because she didn't update it, but I felt like there was a space waiting for me. The unconditional mails from Gloria. Maricela, Hazel, Ana (even if she disappears in an alfish way), Enzo, Fobia, even the little Bastard. The people who is here even if I miss a birthday, even if I disappear; the people who is always happy to see me. This is MY people (and cats), everyone else seems seasonal but you. The people who manages to read these boring and massive posts, thank you.