:: can't take the heat? stop jumping through the fire hoop! ::

If you were mid-class; and a genius, the devil or some other kind of businessman would pop up and ask you: 'do you want to be a millionaire? the only condition is that your money will be illegal, if anyone finds out, you'll lose it all, what do you say?'

I certainly wouldn't take it. I mean, I wouldn't give up my peace, it would be too stressing to hide millions, I could not enjoy them freely. It really makes no sense.

The same applies to everything a human can have (and can have by illegitimated means): partners, children, job benefits, etc.

So, why some men want more than one woman in their lives (in a monogamous culture, that is)? Risk the chance of being well with one of them. Risk the respect and love of people that might want to spend their lives with you. Too selfish, it's like trying to get away with murder, and murdering extremely slowly.

I certainly wouldn't take it. I wouldn't cheat on a wife or even a girlfriend. The stress of hiding the clues, it just wouldn't be worth, I'd rather choose someone who can fill all my needs to start with.

That's why it has made me sick when people I loved had come into suspicion. Maybe I made things that seemed strange, but still, the fact that someone doesn't appreciate my dedication and time is enough to lose my will to continue providing.

Stupid sick world, I get treated like a thief more times and more ways than I should. Then you wonder why I'm pissed. I'm not a saint, but I'm not like most of the world either.

This post wasn't about me, but wtf, I made my point from the first four paragraphs, don't read the rest.

:: excuse me if I don't reply ::

...it's just that I'm too busy smiling.

:: the taste of times ::

each stage of my life has flown with different stimulations to my senses.

people is also associated with the taste, look and feel of the time and place we shared.

the feel of sand on my feet and salty wind at night, reminds me of someone.

supreme fiesta fries in taco bell in san pedro remind me of someone else.

hotel bars in warm summer afternoons remind me of someone else.

there were times of gingerbread cookies.

and times when the world was yellow and dry.

air conditioning and elevators and donuts.

my first time eating sushi tagged a whole season.

being a newbie at bowling and a cat without a face tagged another season.

i feel i'm not being able to explain it. it's hard to describe when something comes through all your senses, and fades into another season and feelings mix.

but what about now?


what is the taste? what is the color? who is the person?

i don't feel daniella's colors and parfumes, i'm not feeling these are the times for that.

gloria? gloria brings a sense of forbiddingness, but no thrilling transgression, just feels out of place, we both seem to be hiding from each other now.

I have no one now. just me, just my colors: shades of gray, black and white. nothing to associate with the time. nothing new. maybe drinking lime coke in a parking lot. putting my puff couch on the garage roof and watching falling stars, drinking vodka at 3 am.

music? well, evergrey, the birthday massacre, flyleaf, malice mizer, siouxsie and the banshees and the ataris.

yes, that music will remind me of now. but what else? something is missing.

I need a big comeback, or something new. I need someone to laugh with, someone to be on parking lots with. someone to sit and watch the city from my secret new spot. someone who will slap me when I start thinking stupid things, a friend, the scent of a girl sitting next to me at any cafe. The easy challenge of making someone laugh.

I can do without, it's not that I'm that weak, I just crave for tastes, smells and sounds.

It'd be nice, just for a while, a couple times a month.

:: i cant help but feel that something has been lost ::

He's homesick, in the place that's supposed to be home.

He waits with stretched arms, for a very unlikely return.

The world makes him look like a saint, he sees himself as a monster.

He promised himself to leave, but he promised to her without words he'd wait, open arms to someone who put him behind anyone else. Right now he's waiting, while he gets ready to leave.

He is aware of all these things I say. I tell you, he's a saint. Or is he a monster?

Lately he doesn't know if the reason he feels like laying on the grass on cold night and cry is due to happiness or something else. Hopelessness: the boys of summer aren't gone.

He's happy, he feels strong, he gets away with everything he wants. Except with this. He wears this old scar like a souvenir, like a medal, so proud. One defeat he still won't swallow, one reward he still won't let go. Even if he already missed years of it. It's the price he knows he has to pay. A price for a chance. A price he pays without knowing if he will ever succeed.

Have you noticed how things tend to take longer when you're waiting for them? Waiting is always worse after the first time you wonder: 'are we there yet?'

Have you noticed how beautiful are all the things that we can't reach?

But he's holding on. He will hold on. He is here for her.

He knows it's not the end.

:: i got chicken. on honey sauce. ::

Well, i guess that jumping irresponsibly into the unknown sometimes pays off.

It was who I expected. and I had a great time.

If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, read the previous post.

:: surprises ::

I got a message on my phone:

?: "alf, is this your number?"

alf: "yes."

?: "can I call you tonight?"

alf: "yes."

?: "and go out? can we meet tonight?"

alf: "yes. after 6. where?"

I could ask "who are you?", but no. And none of my phone contacts has that number. It's a bit frightening, but a nice thrill. Some of the possible persons could be someone I don't ever want to meet again. A safe bet could be that Gloria lost her phone or switched numbers again. Or could it be ... omg... no.

I have a few ideas, but I'm really drowning in uncertainty.

Now I'll make sure we meet somewhere with easy ways out or that I could survey from a safe distance.

I'm rusty on some human-human interactions.


Like good 'ol Leeroy would say: Let's do this!

Well, I might get chicken too.

:: you fool ::

look at me, because I won't look at you
as I pass by your half shut curtains;
sink your teeth in my tinted clothes,
in a silly attempt to make me human:
touch me.

hate me, because I won't love you;
when fateful wings grow on me
sink your nails in my filthy hands,
your foolish attempt to keep me
and heal me.

Listening to: Ambulette - Fail

:: to wish impossible things ::

I have only this life, as far as I'm informed. And I've already spent an important chunk of it.

I have passed through many crossroads, bridges off or in the highways, forks, shortcuts. And I've driven myself erratically through it all.

I could be in many different places. Different arms could hold me, different eyes could stare back at me when different skins would make me shiver. Seasons that could have lasted much longer. So many choices. All of them done. All those cold discards I do maybe too lightly all of the time. All the precious baggage I drop away to travel lightly.

Sometimes I wish I could have a life to spend with someone I left behind. I would selfishly take 10 lives and live 10 different ways. Different partners, different places. Try and endure all the things I've quited.

But I only have this life. And I'm spending it with me by now. I'm sure of the choices I'm making, the roads I'm taking, even though I have no idea of where I'm leading to.


it was the sweetness of your skin
it was the hope of all we might have been
that fills me with the hope to wish
impossible things.

The Cure - To Wish Impossible Things.

Listening to: Flyleaf - Amy Says & The Cure - From The Edge of the Deep Green Sea.